RYAN FAN CLUB MERCH
Exclusively from CafePress.com | |
Ryan's Afternoon In Smurf Land
So I was walking my dog Harley the other day. We went to a park that we don't normally go to. I thought it would be a good trip for her to smell something different for a change. As usual, she saw a squirrel and became instantly excited. She gave chase and pulled pretty hard to the point where I was running with her. Where we ended up was someplace magical!
Harley and me were surrounded by little blue Smurfs.
They were all over the place, doing little jobs and smurfing their way to earn a living. Papa Smurf came up and greeted me, and that's when Harley started barking at him. At first I thought it might've been Papa's beard that annoyed the dog, but then I remembered that I too have a beard and she rarely barks at me. Most of the other Smurfs were a little smurfed by my being there. I mean, I get it, I'm four times the size of them and I had a dog with me. But then Papa Smurf and Brainy Smurf explained that an old man named Gargamel and his cat Azrael were always coming to their village to try and eat them. Now, I'm not a vegetarian or anything... I quite like the taste of meat. But I couldn't imagine these Smurfs having much of a taste. They're blue, and I bet they're very gamey.
Nevertheless, I offered to help keep them safe from Gargamel in exchange for directions home. Papa Smurf then gave me the tour and introduced me to Smurfette.
|
The Smurf Village
|
She's the only girl in the entire village, which raises a few interesting questions. Is she the town harlot? Are the rest of the Smurfs homosexuals? Why can she grow hair when the others can't? None of the answers were necessarily need-to-know, but I'm the curious type.
Smurfette sure took a liking to Harley. And my dog never barked at her. It's like they were destined to be BFFs, like in some sort of teen coming of age movie.
Gargamel eventually came along to try and eat the Smurfs and I took him aside for a man-to-man chat. He told me how hungry he was all the time and that he didn't exactly want to eat the cute Smurfs, but that they were the only thing around. Right there he gave me a lesson about the food chain. I looked at Gargamel, then over at Papa Smurf, then down at Harley. It was clear I had to pick a side in this war.
"Gargamel," I said, "How would you go about cooking these Smurfs?"
"Probably in a stew," Gargamel replied. "With some carrotts and potatoes to bring out their natural blue flavor."
Then I said, "Hey Papa Smurf, if you had to eat Gargamel for dinner, how would cook him?"
"I'm afraid we could never smurf that," Papa Smurf exclaimed. "For you see, us Smurfs are vegans."
It saddened me to hear that coming from their leader. I looked around at all the Smurfs with hesitation in my eyes. Brainy's lip was smurfing. Sleepy was covering his
|
Delicious and Nutritious?
|
eyes in fear. It became really clear to me what I had to do. Gargamel was right all along. We're nothing but slaves to the food chain. I high-fived Gargamel and we quickly round up all the little blue creatures. He wanted to make a stew, but instead I battered them and deep-fried them. We both agreed they tasted kinda like KFC. We let Smurfette and Papa Smurf go, because we didn't feel like shaving them first.
And when I woke up from the dream I decided not to drink that much Fireball before bed ever again.
| |
