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August 14, 2009 For the first time in several years I was actually excited about my birthday. You see, I had started feeling old. I think it started around 2004 when I decided to listen to Kenny Rogers' "Greatest Hits" just to prove to myself that I still hated country music. Well, all I learned is that Kenny sure does know what he's talking about. And wow... I could actually hear the words. So I felt old. But about three weeks ago I stopped feeling old for myself. I could feel my own youth exploding inside of me like a viagra infused hot air balloon at an old folks home. I was ready to celebrate the tenth anniversary of turning nineteen. Some might say that the right thing to do would be to hop in a Geo, drive to Belleville, and get lap dances from french strippers while listening to "Angel". As good as all of that sounds, I've been there and done that.   Dana scolds Ryan for blowing out the candles too soon ---------- Ryan is joined by Orlicky and Johnny This birthday was top-notch from the get-go. Dana cooked me a pancake breakfast, which just so happens to be my favorite food. Take a note of that in case I ever wake up on your couch. She then lavished me with gifts (Green Lantern and G.I. Joe DVDs... shit yeah!) and we watched some Muppet Show while enjoying our morning coffee. We zipped to my parents' place next. They had just got back into town from visitng my sister in Vancouver and they needed my help to put in their air conditioner. What's this? Physical labor on my birthday?!?!?!?!?I hardly minded doing it though. After all, one of my parents squeezed me out of their womb a long twenty-nine years ago. The other one was responsible for putting me in their in the first place. I'll let you place the blame where you see fit. We got home, ordered some pizza from Tony's, and I cracked open my first beer. Goddam, do I ever love Harp. It's just so damn tasty. And the more I drink it, the sexier I feel. My lil' sister Laura came by, and so did Dana's little sister Ashley. We did some Wii bowling, ate a scrumptious cake that Dana made, and watched in awe as Laura sang along to a Moffats song on Much More Retro. We still can't believe she knew all the words. She later confided in me that the song is actually on her iPod. And that's just the sort of thing I like to share with everyone on the internet. Before we knew it, we were on our way downtown.   Ryan and his lovely wife ---------- Ryan gets "sammiched" between Sam and his lil' sister Laura The Toucan is a must-hit spot on my birthday. It doesn't matter how progressively shitty the service seems to get at that place. If it's my birthday and I don't go to the Toucan then there really is something wrong in the world. Chances are it would be a nation-wide power outage (like my 23rd birthday). When we got there, we were greeted by some wonderful people from my Road Hockey Gang. Dilworth, Corin, and Sam were clearly very eager to celebrate "The Great Anniversary of the Birth of Ryan". There was much drinking to be had. Rounding out the table with us were Dustin, Orlicky, Wes, Scott, Adam, Johnny, Jonas, and 2009 RFC Award Winner Rachel. You may remember her as winning the coveted "Fan of the Year" award a few months back. We didn't stay too long at the Toucan. Dilworth and Corin had to dash. Ashley mysteriously disappeared at that time too. We later discovered that she ducked out to go fight crime. It turns out she's a masked vigilante by night. Good for her! Upon leaving the Toucan, I stopped in the bathroom and took a picture of Mel Gibson that was stapled to the wall. I was compelled to give it to Orlicky. At this point it should be noted that Orlicky was wearing a shirt with Carlton Banks on it. Orlicky is indeed a great human being.   Ryan with 2009 RFC Award Winner Rachel ---------- Ryan and Adam thinking about Supergirl naked We went to the Iron Duke for more of the same, except the service there is about 500% better than the Toucan. A couple more beer got into me and I still managed to avoid any shots. That lasted about a half an hour, when we got to Mybar. Jonas was kind enough to buy me a shot of Liquid Cocaine. Now, I still curse my friend Steve for all the times he bought me that shot in the past. If there's one thing on this planet that will guarantee me puking the next morning it's Liquid Cocaine. Something about it just hurts me like Kryptonite hurts Superman. Or like bullets hurt Tupac. That's probably a better analogy. But I manned the fuck up and took the shot. 'Cause that's what you do on your birthday. I had some nicer shots a little later (I think they were called "suitcases" or something like that... I dunno), and around 1:45 I called it a night. The great thing about being married is that I always get to go home wtih a beautiful girl at the end of the night. Unfortunately, Dana is on medication right now and wasn't drinking so I couldn't try to take advantage of her when we got home. We split a cab with Laura (well, actually Laura footed the bill for that one because she's awesome) and I fell asleep softly and sweetly in my comfy bed. Translation: I clunked down on my old mattress and started snoring really loudly within five minutes. Best part of all is I didn't puke this morning. Take that Liquid Cocaine! So thanks to everyone who helped make my 29th birthday better than my last few combined. You know who you are. - Ryan
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