"Doin' It".
Just do it. Go ahead and giggle, cause today we're talking about s-e-x. Well, while we're kinda sorta talking about the things you do with your wibbly-wobbly-bits, we're more talking about the music you should listen to while doin' it. There are diffferent kinds of sex, many of which won't even be mentioned here, and thus different styles of music for different sexy moods. Shall we begin?
Getting It On
When you think of your standard, run-of-the-mill, everyday sexual activity then chances are you should have some classic rock tunes in the background. You know, Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, Guns N' Fuckin' Roses, etc, etc. If you don't own any albums by these artists then shame on you. But you can find them on about 15% of all radio stations. I hope that helps.
Many classic rock songs are about sex anyway, so that can help with the mood. Personally, and probably no surprize, I think Aerosmith has the best classic rock groove for every day doin' it. It might be why I've been so obsessed with their music for years... because I'm also obsessed with sex? Well, that's a lay down on the couch for another day.
Aerosmith circa "Pump"
Barry Effing White
Making The Love
If you truly love your woman then you gotta get some funky soul going on. Drop the needle down on Barry White or Prince and let the magic happen! The slow groove of Marvin Gaye can satisfy a woman faster and better than any battery operated gadget. And actually, if you're having trouble... you know, pleasuring her... you could just ressurect the corpse of Barry White to make sweet love to your woman for you. Sure, that sounds a bit morbid, but c'mon, you want your woman to be truly happy, right?
I'd suggest avoiding funky soul music if you plan on making the love in the bath. Just in case Barry finishes singing "Can't Get Enough Of Your Love Babe" and the next song on the album is a funky dance track. You don't wanna jump up, start boogying and risk a slip n' fall.
Friggidy Ding-Dong is only $10 (Plus shipping and handling)
Porno Music
What actually constitues for Porno Music these days? Sure, the general assumption is anything with a "bow-chicka-wow-wow", but I've seen adult films that have full-on classic orchestra scores to them. Now that's fucked up. Could you just imagine John Williams or Danny Elfman sitting with the director and conceptualizing the soundtrack to a skin flick?
"Okay John, this is where the nurse says 'I've got something that'll make you feel better', and the patient starts taking off her clothes. Any ideas for the music?"
"Well, I do have a leftover piece from E.T. I've never used that might go nice in here."
"I hated that fucking movie. Got any leftovers from Return of the Jedi?"
"No, but I do have some scores left from The Phantom Menace".
"No, thank-you."
Still, if you're looking for a kinky hardcore night, put on something with a lot of deep bass.
Miss Bree Olsen
"I'm Gonna Love My Cousin Forever and Ever Amen."
Incest Is The Best
If you live in the town of Greater Napannee then you can attest to this. When a child is born in Napannee (or anywhere in the state of Alabama) they are tought two things:
1. It's okay to kiss your cousin, so long as you don't kiss and tell.
2. Randy Travis can do no wrong.
I'm not trying to rag on country music here. But really, who listens to country music during sex? And before you start defending your precious Keith Urban or Carrie Underwood, I'm talking about REAL country music. Like, country AND western music. The shit your parents always listened to on Friday nights when they drank Seegram's Coolers. If you're spinning some Randy Travis or Ricky Skaggs while doing the dirty then there's something seriously wrong with you.
I dig some country tunes. Hell, I make a point of listening to Kenny Rogers on my birthday each year. But I'm not going to put the moves on my wife, and get her all the way up to the bedroom just to spoil the mood with "You Picked A Fine Time To Leave Me Lucille". I'd have better chances with some Hanson or C&C Music Factory.
...And My Mama Said
As someone who makes their own music I think it's pretty safe to say, "Do not listen to your own music while trying to pleasure your woman." The only person on the planet who could possibly get away with it is Jon Bon Jovi. And none of us are Jon Bon Jovi. Really, leave the sex music up to the professionals. Friggidy Ding-Dong may be my masterpiece, but it's not going to help me score. You can listen to it though. In fact, I recommend that. Next time you get in the sack with someone, put on my album. Then send me pictures of all the naughty stuff. I'd be happy to give you a high five in exchange. And if you get knocked up, you can name the baby after me.
As we close things up for the day, give a listen to Lenny Kravitz's song "Always On The Run". I've always considered it to be the best song to have sex to.
Lenny Kravitz - "Always On The Run"
So, what songs do you think are good bedroom tunes?
