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How to Be a Realist
"I'm a realist".
Sure you are. It's so easy these days to believe in your own bullshit. By simply exclaiming that you're a realist without any proof is like saying you're a highland dancer when really you're just a tard.
Screw you, tard.
These days, being a realist is the "In-Thing", much like coffee shops were in the 90s, Max Headrom was in the 80s, and Paul Newman was in the 70s. Before the 70s everyone just simply worshipped Hordak. And rightfully so. But if you want to be a realist, and you'd have to be crazy to not to, follow thse easy steps:
1. Let your husband fuck your daughter
Yeah, I realize that sounds rash. But I've been watching a lot of shitty movies lately on the recommendation of my friend Jimmy, and beneath the crap that is Catwoman and Madea's Family Reunion we find realists. Well, maybe not so much in Catwoman.
I'm not even going to try to figure out what the hell is going on in that Family Reunion movie, but I do know one thing: Some crazy bitch announces she's a realist. And what qualification does she have for being a realist? Well cozy reader, she let her husband fuck her own daughter to keep him and his money around. Or something like that. Really, the movie was bad. And I was half in the bag when I watched it. Okay, all I really remember is her admitting to letting her husband make the love to her daughter and then she said she's a realist. The proof is in the pudding.
2. Deny Ever Being An Illusionist
Illusionists, or magicians as some people call them, can never be realists. Not even David Blane, who does the most real of things and try to pass them off as magic. Ooh, let's all gaze in wonder and amazement as he sits in a box for days on end. It's far too real to be magic. And it's far too stupid to be real. And it would take a great feat of magic to believe it was ever entertaining. So if you own a rabbit and also a hat, you'd be best off to keep them as far apart from each other, lest you never wish to become a realist.
3. Beat up on Surrealists
Surrealism is an artistic, cultural and intellectual movement oriented toward the liberation of the mind by emphasizing the critical and imaginative faculties of the "unconscious mind" and the attainment of a dream-like state different from, "more than", and ultimately "truer" than everyday reality: the "sur-real", or "more than real".
(Taken from Wikipedia.org)
If you want to be a realist, you can't simply release the imagination. No, the imagination is the exact opposite of real. When you were a child nobody said shit if you colored a crocodile purple. Why, you ask? Pity. Everyone pitied you as a child for wanting to live in a world that did not exist. Now the only way to achieve reality is to beat up on those who are not real. How can this be accomplished? How can flesh and bone attack an idea? The answer, perhaps, is the path to true realism.
4. Stop eating margarine
Margarine is to butter as silicone is to breasts. Sure, margarine may be a little cheaper, and in some cases easier to digest than animal fat, but think of the suffering that all the real natural breasts face just so you can have margarine. Think of all those great A-Cups and B-Cups that felt inadequate and needed to "upgrade". Sure, fake boobs are still boobs, but margarine can never be butter. Butter is real. And you're becoming a realist.
5. Announce "I'm a realist" at every opportunity
Often, a realist must enforce the fact that he or she is indeed a realist. This is usually done by blurting out the fact when it isn't even necessary. Take this for example:
"Gee John, I really think Out of Our Heads is the best Rolling Stones album"
"I'm a realist."
Example #2:
"Would you like fries with your combo or a baked potato?"
"I'm a realist!"
Example #3:
"Do you Bob take Francine to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
"I'M A MOTHER FUCKING REALIST!"
And so, in closing, if you want to be a realist just tell everyone all the time.
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