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Ryan's Guide To Inbreeders
If you listen closely you can hear the dueling banjos. Listen for it. It's there. You are about to embark on my guide to Inbreeders, or Inbrediation as I have just re-titled it. Inbreeding is a topic that is often shyed away from. No fucking kidding. Who wants to hear about a dude that sleeps with his cousin? Well, you are reading this article...
So I bring you now, a brief guide to inbreeders. And as usual, you shouldn't take any of this too literally at all.
Part 1 - Holy Napanee!
I'm gonna get in so much shit for including Napanee in this article. My dad grew up in Napanee and I still have some family there (no I'm not related to Avril Lavigne) but none of them are inbred. Growing up in Kingston, Ontario meant that you had to make fun of Napanee. It's just what you do. Napanee was the little sister town, and according to the rumors, everyone in that small town was inbred. Like seriously inbred. We're not just talking that your dad is your brother here. We're talking that your dad is your brother AND your nephew. This kind of city/town relationship is familiar everywhere. Go to New York City and you'll hear people talk about the retards and inbreds in New Jersey. It's pretty much the same, except Napanee doesn't realize how badly they get picked on because they have an even smaller town on the other side of them by the name of Deseronto, and it gets picked on by Napanee.
Ever been insulted by the fat kid at school who gets made fun of by everyone else? You know then just how much of a loser you are.
So while I'm sure there are people in Napanee that do keep it "all in the family", there really aren't that many. And if there are, they're keeping it secret really well.
Part 2 - Sweet Home Alabama
 
When I found the picture of those hot cheerleaders from Alabama I just had to include it here. Would you believe that they are all the mother of the same little girl? I won't tell you what exactly is true, but I'm trying to make you think about it just a little bit. Six of them were impregnated by the same guy. One gave birth to the head. Another, the arms. Another, the body. And so on, and so on. Okay, I'm full of crap there. But looking at the picture of them you might find it hard to believe that Alabama is the inbreeding capital of the universe. You almost don't want it to be true because you'd like to sleep with them, but chances are you're already related to them. You sicko!
Then there's the band Alabama. I've never listened to one of their albums, but wouldn't it be awesome if the people in the band were all inbred?
Part 3 - Famous Inbreeders
  
If you ever watched early-90s wrestling like I did, you'd know there was something wrong with The Bushwhackers. It was just so weird that Luke and Butch would lick each other all the way to the ring before fighting their opponents. They even dressed the same! And had the same haircuts and beards! I bet they had the same wife too.
Then there's Angelina Jolie and her brother. They made out together at an awards show. That's fucking gross.
Lastly is Elly May Clampett, from the Beverly Hillbillies. There's no proof that she's inbred, but admit it; If she was your sister, you'd do the dirty and not tell anybody about it.
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Part 4 - You Can Inbreed Too!
No, no, I'm not suggesting that you go out and sha-boink your aunt. Even if she is a cougar. While I was looking for pictures of inbreeders online, I stumbled across The Inbreeders, a website where you can make your own little cartoon Inbreeder. They're pretty cute, for creatures that have turned their family tree into a circle.
I made the one on the left, and I've named him Beaumont (after a guy I went to public school with that still owes me ten dollars). Little Beaumont here is blue, not because he's sad, but because he's cold. He needs some hot lovin' from a hot momma... and there's only one hot momma he wants.
Eww, I think I just crossed the line.
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Conclusion
So we could argue for days about the scientific ramifications of inbreeding, or we could just keep making fun of them.
What do you call thirty women from Napanee standing in a row?
A full set of teeth.
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