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 Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my Guide To Smurfette.     Then Gargamel came to a single notion. The one thing that could truly fuck with the Smurfs would be a girl. The hats the Smurfs wear might as well be sailor hats, and if there's one thing a sailor likes to do, it's get laid. So Gargamel used his evil sorcery to create Smurfette. And she was a pain in the ass. She was more accident prone and annoying than actually evil, and the Smurfs sensed this. They couldn't even get her into the sack cause she would accidently set the bed on fire. Then Papa Smurf had a wonderfully glorious idea. He would give Smurfette a makeover, long before there were TV Shows about makeovers on every single station forcing me to hate television and never watch again... sorry for the run-on sentence. This make-over turned Smurfette into the cute, yet sophisticated, blonde we all know and love today. But deep down Smurfette had a secret... one that would keep her blue forever. One after another, Smurfette would make passionate love to the Smurfs, using her body to fulfill their every fantasy. But Smurfette wasn't happy. It's not like she was against being a sex symbol for the early 80s either. No, it was nothing like that at all. Smurfette was a big flirt, and was proud of her appearance. She had a healthy sexual appetite. But there was one problem with her being the only girl in a town full of boys. Smurfette was a lesbian. She knew deep down that she would never truly be happy in a town full of boy Smurfs. She loved them all as friends, especially Papa Smurf who had given her a new beginning. If using her body as an object of desire made them all happy, then she was happy that they were happy. You'd think it was a happy ending. Sadly, on June 21st, 1989, just three days before her twenty-first birthday, Smurfette said good-bye to the Smurf village. She packed her bags and left in the middle of the night without a trace. It would be a decade before we'd see her again.    Smurfette is as blue As Gargamel feels today Papa Smurf fixed her   Another Papa Smurf make-over was done to make her taller and appear caucasian. They donned this clone "Vanna White" and she went on to much fame of her own, turning letters on "Wheel of Fortune". It wasn't long before Vanna stepped out of Smurfette's shadow and became a star in her own right.   Smurfette returned to the public eye at the turn of the new millennium, but something was different. Still lonely and blue inside, our beloved blue beauty had become addicted to heroin. She appeared in Maxim with a tell-all interview about how her addiction started at a young age while eating pieces of her mushroom house in the Smurf Village. She had spent the last ten years hanging around the remnants of the band Ugly Kid Joe, and they got her into cocaine, which led her to heroin abuse. "Feeling strung out on heroin made me forget for a short time that I was the only girl Smurf, and a lesbian at that," Smurf commented in the magazine. "I was using so I could forget who I was. And that I was being used." The magazine made Smurfette a star again, but her new-found addiction couldn't be silenced. An appearance at the Oscars ended badly when she showed up gacked out on drugs. Her in-the-works TV Series for TGIF, "Smurfette Meets World", wasn't picked up after the pilot was finished. She had run out of luck, out of money, and out of tears. Then Smurfette made an appearance in Hustler magazine. It was clear at this point she did the photo shoot to get some quick cash for more drugs. The day after the magazine was released, Smurfette was found dead in her hotel. It was quickly ruled suicide, and her issue of Hustler was pulled off the shelves. Only a few are known to still exist. A sad ending for a truly great icon, Smurfette was a sex symbol of her time, and yet also a troubled little girl. This wasn't True Hollywood Story, but it probably should've been. Have a great weekend, and thanks for reading.
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