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 My Letter To Santa! I just wanted to let you know how good I've been this year. I know you probably hear that a lot, but really, I've been good. I've been working on that whole "exercising control of moral judgment" thing, and while I'll probably never stop looking at pornography, I've at least stopped treating women like objects of desire all the time. Looking back on 2006, I helped an old lady cross the street, and I even helped some pretty girls find their lost keys. Those are pretty good deeds y'know. Oh! And I regularly donate old clothing to the Salvation Army. I'm not perfect though. I mean, there was that time in July that I took that really big poop and purposely didn't flush the toilet so the next person in the bathroom (most likely my girlfriend, tee-hee) would stumble across it. C'mon Big Red, even you find that funny. Do you remember when we met? I was a little boy... probably about 1984, or '85. It wasn't at a mall either. I know about the whole "Santa Impersonator" thing, and I think it's great. Makes total sense. But you really came to my house. It was a few days before Christmas and you wanted to check up on me to make sure I was a good boy. Too bad my Dad wasn't there that night. He was drinking at the Legion. You guys could've swapped stories and fashion tips, considering you both wore the same shoes. I feel that way whenever I see someone wearing pink Converse All Stars. Well, back to the story, you decided I was a good boy and gave me a Hot Wheels sticker book. That was rad. You must have some stiff competition from all the other toymakers in the world, eh? I mean Mattel and Hasbro make some pretty nifty toys. Does it bother you when a little girl wants a Barbie for Christmas, and you know full well that it's a product of the Mattell company? And yet, if you made her a one-of-a-kind Barbie then you'd probably get your ass sued off by Mattell for copyright infringement. Really, who would have the balls to sue Santa Claus? So I caught a bit of the "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" TV Special the other day. I didn't get to see all of it, but I noticed that the girl you hook up with in it (who eventually becomes Mrs. Claus) is quite the looker. Don't hold out on me now. Tell me you guys have made the love in the sleigh. By now you're probably ready for the sales pitch. I'm not asking for much this year, cause I pretty much have all I need. If you could maybe swing me a Transformers DVD that would be pretty cool. For several years in a row i was asking for a "Hooker In A Bag", but Dana keeps telling me she's giving me that this year. I also used to always ask for a basic He-Man figure, but I got one now. So how about a basic Skeletor figure to go along with it? I feel everyone should get a toy for Christmas. It keeps us young. If you're any good with magic potions I could really use something to give my kitten, Ozma. She sucks her own nipples at night and it keeps me awake cause it's really annoying. Anything to help stop that would be great. Well, I hope your December doesn't get too crazy. I'm usually up late Christmas eve, so maybe I'll see ya. - Ryan |