RYAN FAN CLUB MERCH
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Products That Don't Exist... But Should!
I think the title pretty much sums this article up. The other day my old roomate was looking at all the Ryan Fan Club Merchandise (available Here) and said "Wow, pretty much the only thing you don't have is a life-size cardboard cut-out of yourself". That got me to thinking about what other zany products I could whore myself out to. So here are some gimmicky things you may or may not ever see.
 | The Ryan Fan Club Rollercoaster
It comfortably sits six, sultry, sexy ladies. It moves at over 150 mph. It travels through a vagina-shaped tunnel. Yes, it's the Ryan Rollercoaster. The track itself winds and flips and turns to spell out Ryan's name. Let Ryan take you on a speedy adventure that's guaranteed to make you barf all over yourself! You only need two tokens to get on... but you gotta be as tall as Ryan to ride it. |
 | Parfum: Scent of Ryan
Ladies, do you want your man to smell like Ryan? Of course you do! With the Christmas season approaching, put the Scent Of Ryan in your man's stocking. And Ryan didn't just lend his visage to the product to help sell it. No, no, there's a little bit of Ryan inside each bottle! That's right! Ryan lets out a little fart into each bottle before it's sealed for delivery. Now that's romance! |
 | Ryan Fan Club's 8-Bit Nintendo Adventure
Hastily put together from levels of Super Mario and Bubble Bobble that were never used, this video game cartridge takes you on an adventure as Ryan for the classic Nintendo Entertainment System. Use your Hulk Hands to save the Princess from the evil Kaladar, and fight off Clepto Cody too. Collect coins, unlock unlocking unlockables, and ultimately blow into the cartridge for twenty minutes just to get it to work! Classic video game fun has never been so retro! |
 | Ryan Fan Club Chewable Vitamins
Want to be strong like Ryan? Want to stay alive well into your nineties? Want to have vitamins that you don't have to swallow? Ryan doesn't like swallowing pills either! So now you can have a little piece of Ryan every morning. And even better, they look and taste just like Rockets candy!
Just don't get addicted though kiddies, or you might find yourself snorting your mommy's laundry detergent just to be satisfied. Or maybe just sniffing permanent markers. Either way, you're gonna find yourself sticking something up your nose. |
 | Ryan Fan Club Lunchbox
Be the coolest kid in your class with your Ryan Fan Club Lunchbox. Show me one other kid who will have a lunchbox with a picture of a girl who has three boobies. Didn't think so. A matching thermos is inside the box so you can take soup to school too. Or hot chocolate. Or just leave it empty and tell your mom it's soup so she'll be happy even though you fucking hate taking soup to school. Every other kid has a Lunchable and you're stuck with soup. Well kids, this lunchbox gives you the audacity to tell your mother off about the soup and hopefully get some neat-o snacks. |
 | Ryan Fan Club Limited Edition Frosted Flakes
This Limited Edition box of Frosted Flakes not only has Ryan on the box, but inside is a copy of his Impotence To The Max! CD! Sugary cereal and rude comedy songs go well together after all. The back of the box also features a maze in which you have to guide Ryan from his home all the way to the nudy bar! Start your morning off right, with a bowl of Frosted Flakes, while you listen to Ryan's "Fart In Your Mouth".
Well, that's all for today. Hopefully you enjoyed this look into a future that may never be. Then again, I never thought I'd have thong underwear with my face on them either. So who knows where you might see my face popping up.
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