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Machete
Remember when Rodriguez and Tarantino did those Grindhouse movies? Well, there were also a handful of fake movie trailers before Planet Terror and Deathproof, and one of those trailers just so happened to be Machete. The popularity of the trailer made it a no-brainer to actually make a real movie for Machete. Machete kills people, brings down government injustice, and fucks the bitches. And he does it all within a two-hour time frame.
What a lot of people don't realize though, is that Machete isn't a new character for Rodriguez or Danny Trejo (the bad ass dude who plays Machete). Rodriguez fans will remember Machete as the uncle in Spy Kids. So this new Machete movie could almost be a kick-ass prequel to Spy Kids...
The Good: Danny Trejo is the man. I couldn't imagine any other dude playing Machete. And come to think of it, I couldn't imagine anyone defeating Machete either. He's just that tough. The story is pretty straight forward, and that's a good thing. Nobody in the audience was looking for crazy plot twists. Just give us point A, then point B, and fill it up with Machete killing a bunch of fuckers. If, like me, you're a fan of nudity in movies, and cheesy porno music, then you'll enjoy Machete. I'm pretty surprized that Lindsay Lohan was naked in the flick. Actually, I'm pretty surprized that Lindsay Lohan was even in the goddam movie. Robert DeNiro is good, of course, and Don Johnson was pretty bad-ass as well. But the true highlight of the movie, and it actually sums up everything Machete seems to represent to the world, is the brief moment where Jessica Alba asks Machete to text him, and he simply replies, "Machete don't text."
The Bad: If you're hoping to find out that Jessica Alba gets naked, then don't get your hopes up too high. My only compaint has to do with my theory that this is a Spy Kids prequel... it would've been nice to have seen Antonio Banderas in a brief cameo. But I guess you're right, it would've still been nicer to have seen Jessica Alba naked.
The Verdict: If you don't like Machete then there is something seriously wrong with you.
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