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Guide To Shopping
Y'know, most dudes don't like to shop. I can empathize. I understand. Really, I do. I don't like the notion of being forced to try on clothes I don't like. My mom made me do that as a kid, and an old girlfriend of mine used to make me do it too. "I know what I want to buy, I just have to find it," is the mentality of most of us men. And it works really well. I've noticed that when a woman says "shopping" to a man it is immediately associated with clothes, which is then interpreted to trying things on. That can take upwards of a lifetime and a half just to buy a pair of shoes.
Gah, I hate shoe shopping. Just point me to the All Stars and let me pick a color.
If you put a guy in a CD store, or the lesser-known side of Sears, we can actually enjoy ourselves. So here is a quick Guide to getting the most out of your shopping experience while cutting down the actual shopping time.
Step 1. Make A List
This past weekend I had some shopping to do. It was a pay weekend, and I needed a few things. Since I've become a gym member, I've actually dropped a whole pant size and now some of my jeans fall right off while I'm carrying a reclining chair. It frightens small children. But that's a story for another day!
The list is very important. It only takes a couple minutes to throw together, and can save you hours of walking around looking for something you don't need. Take a look at my list above. It's the bare essentials. Jeans. Full House DVDs, some stuff to make me not stink, and art pens. I should've added "Beer" to the list, but that pretty much goes without saying.
Step 2. Choose A Destination
Now usually I try to do most of my shopping in the downtown area because I like the outdoors feel of walking from store to store. But Saturday morning was a rainy bitch and forced me to go into a mall. It wasn't all that bad. Malls are famous for really chipper girls running around from boutique to boutique talking about their cute socks.
Do you think I can make that shit up?
At least the Cataraqui Town Centre in Kingston has two music stores for me to browse in after buying jeans.
Step 3. Quality Vs. Price
My dad, a very wise man in many ways, used to always say "Son, you only get what you pay for." Don't get me wrong, he used to also get very cranky when he couldn't beat me in NHL '94 for the Super Nintendo. Heh, he used to scream about how the controller was broken and the game itself was fixed. But back to his wisdom... he's goddam right. Why do my dress socks get holes in them so fast? Because I only pay $1 for them at the Dollarama. I can accept that. What I can't accept is pants falling apart on me. Walmart may have the lowest prices guaranteed, but there's a reason I don't buy my clothes there. I was trying on a pair of shorts in their changeroom and the tie-up thing at the front actually tore all the way to the back while I was putting them on. So I don't mind shelling out the extra ten or fifteen bucks for some jeans that are gonna last. One of my first stops on Saturday was Bootlegger because their staff has always been very, very nice to me. I found jeans at the right price, and a good solid brand to boot. Heh, boot... bootlegger... funny.
I just wasn't totally sold on the button-up fly. Well, I loved it actually. For starters, they reminded me of my old red jeans because they also had a button-up fly. The problem was actually that I was shopping alone. I just knew that when I brought them home that my girlfriend would give me a hard time about the button-fly. Fuck it. I wanted them. I just had to take a minute to convince myself.
Step 4. Have a Break
When life puts an important decision in front of you (such as buying jeans, or choosing which GnFnR album to listen to) it's critical that you do nothing on an empty stomach. Go on. Have a break. You've earned it. I sat down for a brief injection of Taco Bell. I regret every bite of it. Not putting down the TB, I usually enjoy their soft shell tacos. It just seemed to lack a certain je ne sais quois. Perhaps it was an omen. Telling me to hurry up and buy those jeans with the button-fly. I nodded, then talked to some strangers and went to HMV.
Step 5. Stick To The List!
I went to HMV to buy Full House Season 4 on DVD. It was $32.99. I was hoping to pay $28.99. You win some, you lose some. At the front of the store (cleverly I might add) I noticed "3 DVDs for $20!" That always catches my eye. All you have to do to grab a guy's attention is have a sale like that on DVDs. In fact, you just have to have ONE movie that we like in that awful pile and we'll start coming up with reasons to get two others that are total crap.
"Wow! Three for twenty! Holy shit, the Special Edition of Legend! Gotta get this. Hmmm... what else is there... I haven't seen Passenger 57 in a while... no special features tho... oh well. Still a good movie. Let's see here. Third choice. Well, it's between The Notebook and Fried Green Tomatoes... Ugh... I can't be seen buying either of these."
That was when my shopping list started talking to me. "Have mercy! Cut it out! How Rude! Oh Mylanta!"
Exactly. I was there for some Full House. A quick debit swipe later, and I was back to buying jeans.
Step 6. Return Home Happy
 
So by following my steps you can make shopping quick and dirty. You save time. You save money. You see bubbly girls run around the mall. If you're like me you don't leave the mall without making a stop at the juice bar or ice cream parlor. It's like an unwritten rule. So for those of you out there who thought I couldn't write an entire article about shopping, I hope you enjoyed my best shot at it. Truthfully, I didn't think I had it in me either. Goodnight.
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