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Top 11 Reasons I Love Christmas
Now that it's December, many of us are in the Christmas spirit. Some people don't like Christmas and others don't even celebrate. Some like it for the Santa Claus aspect, and some like it for the religious aspect. Me, I like both sides of the Christmas story and many more sides to boot. As you'll find out from this article, I love Christmas for many reasons, including the music, the food, the gifts, the babes, etc etc. So onward!
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#11 - Christmas With James Brown
I bought this CD as a joke last year on Christmas Eve at a Candian Tire. It was only $4.99, which should've told me something about it. I was familiar with one funky James Brown Christmas song and expected it to be on this disc. Sadly it wasn't. However, instead I was tickled with a James Brown who could only be drunk out of his mind, spewing out mumbles and words that aren't. The highlight for me is the six-minute epic entitled "God Gave Me This", in which Mr. Brown makes several noises that could only be described as heart attacks. At no point do they flow musically, but then again James Brown was never one to follow the rules.
I'm not entirely sure if James actually had a backup band for this disc, or if it was already pre-recorded and he just downed a bottle of Mr. Clean then made up some words for it... it doesn't really matter though. Thank you James Brown for creating a CD of Christmas songs that don't exactly fit in with the rest of the Yuletide albums out there.
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#10 - Reindeer Droppings
I first came across these candies several years ago, but under the name "Polar Bear Droppings". Basically it's chocolate covered peanuts with a way cooler name. You usually find these things in the same stores that sell those coffee mugs with Christmas themed packages of hot chocoalte. I believe there are white chocolate variations known as "Snowman Poop". That fucking rules, I don't care who you are. Now, I've never actually been to the North Pole, so I can't exactly say I know what real Reindeer Droppings taste like. But if I had to come up with a simile it would probably be Reindeer Droppings tastes like eating a dry warm butter tart at 6 AM on the morning of Christmas Eve.
I wasn't talking about the candy.
Reindeer Droppings (the candy) is the perfect gift to give your little brother, or that girl you just started dating. It's like saying Baby, I know we just started seeing each other, but I want you to know that I feel comfortable enough to talk about a reindeer's anal excrement with you. That's love. Oh yeah.
#9 - Frosty vs. Professor Hinkle
In the history of all mankind there are really only a few great feuds that have stood the test of time. Superman versus Luthor... Hulk Hogan versus Macho Man... Jesus of Nazareth versus Dracula... and of course, Frosty The Snowman versus Professor Hinkle. These two first met in the animated Frosty the Snowman cartoon, and annually meet face-to-face to do battle again in the North Pole. Every year Hinkle manages to melt the snowman down to water and win back his magic hat. That is, until Santa Claus shows up and revives Frosty for a final round. Remember, Frosty is made of Christmas Snow, so he's pretty much unbeatable.
You know, there are several parallels between Frosty and the great Rocky Balboa. Just think about it.
This cartoon is the one I look forward to seeing on TV most of all over the holidays, and for the last few years I was never around when it was on TV, so I broke down and bought the DVD of it last year. That's where disposable income will get you folks. Paying for money for things that are free on TV.
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#8 - The Santa Claus Parade
The spectacle of any Santa Claus Parade is relative to the size of the city you're in. New York and Toronto both have incredible parades that last for hours in their downtown streets. Trust me, it's not Christmas in Canada until Susan Hay hosts Global's Santa Claus Parade. Here in Kingston the parade used to be something of a joke. We were "treated" to large grocery store trucks and local fire trucks, neither of which were even decorated. Noithing says Xmas like a giant, thirty meter Food Basics advertisement in your face for several minutes. And the noise... oh the noise, noise, noise, noise, noise...
This year, Kingston's Santa Claus Parade was a blast. Maybe it was the fact that it happened in the evening, so if the floats sucked it was harder to see them because the sky was darker. I thoroughly enjoyed this year's parade. There were mascots, and people in costumes, and high school cheerleaders, and a Grinch too. And, just like every Santa Claus parade in Kingston, Dracula made an appearance too.
If you like hot chocolate, there is usually a few local venders that give the shit away for free during the parade. And people that are in the parade hand out candy canes to kids. Sure, we tell them not to take candy from strangers, but Santa Claus isn't a stranger. You can trust me on that. I met him when I was a kid.
The pic to the left was the coolest/creepiest thing at this year's parade. It fucking rules.
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#7 - Christmas Eve at Josh's Family's Place
Christmas just isn't Christmas unless I visit my old roomate and his family on Christmas Eve. "Ryan," Josh's dad will say to me, "Are you gonna have some Scotch with me?" I hate scotch, but every year I find the strength to have a glass with Josh's old man. I was the best man at Josh's wedding this past summer and I've always considered him to be like a brother. His parents are very kind, loving people, and I like to think of them as family too.
Josh's parents are cool because they let Josh invite all his dickhead friends over to drink and eat up all the food in the house. Usually we have a few beer, make fun of Josh's highschool mullet picture, eat cookies upon cookies, and then the party's over when our friend Chris tells the story about the time he saw Josh's dad's penis.
Sadly, I don't know if I'll be seeing them this year. I haven't heard if Josh will be in town for Christmas, and I might not be either. I'll just have to play it by ear.
The photo to the left is from Christmas 2001, when I was living with Josh.
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#6 - Hanson's "Snowed In"
It's no secret that I like Hanson. But it wasn't until I started dating Dana four years ago that I heard their Christmas album. Snowed In is without a doubt the greatest Christmas album ever recorded. All my favorite songs are there, in a catchy, sing-a-long flavor. Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) is one track that stands out very quickly, seeing as how it's my favorite of all Chistmas songs. The brothers do renditions of Merry Christmas Baby, Run Run Rudolph, Little Saint Nick, Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree and many more.
The stand-out track on the album though is the incredible Silent Night Medley that combines Silent Night, Oh Holy Night, and O Come All Ye Faithful. When you hear this song, it doesn't matter if you believe in the story of Jesus, or if you believe in Santa Claus, or if you believe that reindeer can fly and do in fact have red glowing noses... you just hear the power behind the song.
So basically, my girlfriend is never getting this CD back. I've claimed it as mine. Not that it really matters, we live together. So that means all her stuff is mine. And I really only wrote that part to see if she would actually read the article or not.
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#5 - Elvis Ornaments
No Christmas tree is complete without an ornament honoring the King himself, Elvis Presley. Elvis and Christmas go together like Snakes and Planes. Elvis has enough Christmas albums that he could release an album called "Elivs' Greatest Christmas Hits" and it would still make the Billboard charts get all shook up. Oh, bad pun. Sorry.
I have an Elvis ornament of his '68 Comeback special, where he's wearing a white suit and singing his heart out. It's awesome. There's a few out there that actually play Elvis music when you push a button on the side. Talk about cool...
I have this theory, that Elvis Presley is really Santa Claus and that's why nobody has seen the King in years. Much like Elvis, Santa has thousands of impersonators that cover the globe in his attire, entertaining and delighting those that believe in magic.
But then again, Elvis couldn't possibly be alive, because if he was he would've never let his baby girl marry Michael Jackson.
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#4 - He-Man & She-Ra's Christmas Special
If you have never seen the He-Man & She-Ra Christmas Special you are truly missing out. Two Earth children accidently arrive on Eternia and are captured by Skeletor and Hordak. The evil duo are on a mission to bring the kids to Horde Prime, and it's up to He-Man and She-Ra to save the kids and return them safely to Earth.
Sounds pretty basic, right?
Well, along the way the kids begin to explain Christmas to Skeletor. Skeletor has a change of heart and actually saves the day in the end.
Kids: "We have lots of fun at Christmas!"
Skeletor: "You mean you get into fights?"
Kids: "No. Not fights. Real fun."
Skeletor: "I like fights. Fights are fun!"
Kids: "We give presents to people."
Skeletor: "And they explode in people's faces?"
Kids: "No..."
Until recently you could only get this show as a bootleg, and for those of us who paid $30 for crappy video and audio, it was totally worth it. My bootleg has a scratch on it and won't play anymore, so I guess it's time for me to upgrade to an official copy.
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#3 - Christmas Cookies
There's a reason we all put on some extra weight at Christmas time. It's not just the turkey and stuffing either. We snack on Christmas cookies at every house we visit. Every Christmas party is loaded with goodies. My absolute favorites are the sugar cookies with red and green decorative sugar on top. Oh, and the shortbreads. And I like After Eight mints too, but those aren't cookies.
Good thing my gym membership doesn't expire until February.
Christmas cookies aren't just fun to eat... they're fun to make too! You can use cookie cutters to make all your favorite holiday shapes. You can make gingerbread man and use colored icing to dress them up as Santa, or Elves, or Elvis. Then you can make a Gingerbread House for your Gingerbread man to live in... or even better, A GINGERBREAD GRACELAND FOR YOUR GINGERBREAD ELVIS TO LIVE IN! Christmas = Fun.
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#2 - XXX-Mas Girls!
I like when attractive girls wear Santa hats. Christmas doesn't have to be just for kids. There's all kinds of laying that can be done under a Christmas tree. You can change around the meaning of words and say things like Let your special someone unwrap your present and stuff it in their stocking.
I don't need to give you a website URL to find more pictures of hotties in Christmas attire. You've made it this far on the 'net, I'm sure you can find it yourself. I do, however, recommend finding more of those girls to the left. I can honestly say that if I got a Christmas card of them in the mail that I'd keep it up all year round. And that time it was a good pun.
I'm gonna stop writing about Christmas Babes now, cause I bet you've stopped reading this and either gone to find more Christmas Porn, or you've just moved on to #1.
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#1 - Toys!
To the left you will see a pic of me on Christmas Eve in 1989. I'm reading a Batman comic. I'm wearing Batman track pants, and a Batman sweatshirt. 1989 was the year of Batman, and I was spoiled with Batman toys.
To this day I feel that everyone should receive some kind of toy on Christmas. Too many of us let our childhoods leave us before we really want it to, and a simple toy at Christmas can keep the child-like spirit inside you forever. This year I asked my girl to get me a G'n'R Slash figure.
Remember when you were a kid and you waited patiently for the whole month of December for that one thing in the Toys R Us catalog? The anticipation was so much that it made you unable to sleep because you just knew those noises in the night were Santa's reindeer on the roof. And hell yes, Santa was bringing me that G.I. Joe base for all my figures. And if I was a really good boy that year, then maybe (just maybe), Santa would also give me the Ecto-1 car for all my Ghostbusters.
One thing was always for certain in my house. On Christmas Eve we were allowed to open one present, and it was usually new pajamas. Or a casette tape of Christmas music.
So remember, this Christmas get that special someone a toy for the 25th. It will light up their eyes in ways that you'll only see once a year. Goodnight! |
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