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|  - Courtnee Jacob First off, avoiding Taco Bell is very hard to do. I mean, fuck, they give you the choice of soft or hard tacos. That's like walking into a car dealership and being offered hard or soft air bags. So hard to resist. And I once had a similar scenario happen to me. In Oshawa, after eating Taco Bell me and my friend Molly both had to run to the bathroom in Sears. She got out perfectly fine, but I was stuck in a stall where someone had graphittied "Die, Ryan Die!" on the back of the door and to make matters worse the toilet paper dispenser was empty. I know, that doesn't answer your question. If it were a brand new job and nobody knew me yet, I'd probably run to the can, let it all fly... and really loudly too... and then come back out to see everyone's horrified faces and then demand a raise on the spot. - Meaghan Nayda If Britney Spears let me babysit her kids, it would probably be three straight hours of Battleship. Mind you, Miss Spears has enough money that we would play with real boats and real explosives. And the way Britney pops out kids and doesn't watch them, she wouldn't notice if one of her eight kids (it IS eight by now, right?) went missing in battle. - Sean Orlicky Squirrels are very crafty characters. You never know when they're going to strike. I don't see why they would need clowns to protect them. So I would sweet talk the clowns and try to get them on my side. Maybe offer them a nice massage or even a fruit basket. Everyone likes a good fruit basket. Then, when they go to sleep I'd go sweet talk the squirrels and let them sleep with my cat. Then once I've had the clowns and squirrels turn on each other and turn to war, I'd walk off with the fruit basket and share it with some friends that are neither clowns nor squirrels. - Victoria Marcelli I would close my eyes and concentrate really hard on imagining a woman. Any woman. Fuck, it could even be that annoying lady from The Nanny show. Hopefully if I concentrated hard enough I would be able to make her appear... kinda like Christopher Reeve did in that movie Somewhere In Time to go back in time to find the ultra-hot Jane Seymour. Okay, on second thought, I'd imagine Jane Seymour. And if that didn't work I'd draw a nice smiley face on my left hand... - Kate Fair I would be Animal from the Muppet Show. Chicks dig him. A lot. - Mark Ouseley I would ressurect Ronald Fucking Reagan to help me solve the problem, because he was a guy who got things done. Then me n' Ronnie would get in a spaceship and go into outer space and re-create the ozone layer using silly putty and saran wrap. Then after the world was safe from Global Warming, Ronnie would say "Well, my work here is done. I must return to the land of the un-living." And I'd say "No Ronnie! Don't go!" And he'd say, "Sorry little buddy, but it's just the way things have to be. But don't worry, because now everyone can look inside themselves and find a brighter future." Then he would click his heels together and vanish. And then I would cry. Then I'd stop crying and suck it up and go for a beer. - Josh Shallenberger Firstly, I would donate my soul to my friends so that I could then sell it, thus betraying my friends at the same time. Kill two birds with one stone, they say. Zap! - Rachael Hunter-Brown If it were a green Skittle it would be so easy to turn and walk away. But no, the red Skittle is definitely worth getting all kinds of disease for. But it doesn't have to be that way. If you're like me, you might carry around a water purifier with you everyone you go. One that folds up nicely and fits in your back pocket for easy access. What you need to do is stop peeing in the bowl and pee in the purifier so that you can purify your urine and use it to clean off the Skittle. Or you could just leave it and put a sign next to it that says "Only been on the floor for five seconds" and see if anyone else eats it. - Jamie Brash Actually I do already have female body parts and Dana is forced to approve. You see, and this is a little known fact, when Dana and I started dating five years ago I got her to sign a contract that stated her breasts (both left and right) were my legal property. I don't know why she signed it, I never thought she would, but she sure did and her boobies are mine. Legally. And just to be extra-safe, the contract is in the safe-keeping of my good friend Chris, so Dana can't just take it and burn it when I'm not looking. But if I could have any other female body part, it would be Cyndi Lauper's left foot. - John Goodale Okay, let's suppose that the critter is "X", and the chili gas is "Y". And we all know that a package of Certs mints costs $0.99. So it's simple math. 5X + 5Y = 0.99 Carry the one... uh... carry another one... uh... I'd just use CLR. That way it would get ride of any rust too. - Matthew Valeriati He would teach me the secret art of transforming. But, being new at the whole transforming thing, I'd probably turn into a little red wagon. Damn. - Blair Pelling I would sit down with the cheese and have a nice long coversation. We would make a list of the things we don't hate about each other. We might even learn things about each other we never knew before. Maybe the cheese can play the flute. Maybe we both like the same movies. Problems like this can be solved with a list every time. And if you can't find things you have in common, it's okay to just say "hey, I guess we aren't compatible as friends." But remember, you still have to see this cheese every day, so there's no point in purposely not getting along with them. - Chris White I would ask the little old lady behind me if she would mind putting one of my items in with hers, because she only has five. Then I would help her count out her goddam pennies while the other twenty people stood in line behind us for thirty minutes. Hell, I'd even give her a few of my pennies to count. - Searrah Bucci I would have let the pigs go, because I don't eat pork anyway. I'm not Jewish or anything, I just don't like pork. Well, except for bacon... that's my Kryptonite. But since pigs are "cute" in their own weird way, I suppose I'd have to send the cow after one, me after another one, and then I'd call Dog The Bounty Hunter to capture the third one. - Rockit Girl I'm a gel user, by default. But you could shave your head a buy a variety of wigs. That would you could have a different hair style ever couple of hours!
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