Just watch that video. You'll see why I love the Ultimate Warrior.
And just who is this Ultimate Warrior, you ask? Well, for those of you who didn't watch wrestling in the late 80s and early 90s, The Ultimate Warrior was an unstoppable force to be reckoned with. Equipped with only a clothesline, a gorilla press, a splash, and a vocabulary from the future, The Warrior tore through people like wet phone books. He was the first person to ever pin Hulk Hogan, and I witnessed it at Wrestlemania VI in 1990.
The Warrior represented everything about the late 80s and early 90s. He had flashy colors, long out-of-control hair, and he liked to eat Slim Jims. One day he mysteriously disappeared and wrestling was never the same again. Oh well, I'm a grown man now and shouldn't find any enjoyment in watching half-naked men roll around together in a ring. I leave that obsession up to my buddy Riot at www.slamreport.com.
Back in the days of the Warrior though, wrestling was like a comic book brought to life. And the Warrior was definitely an intense alien!
Reason #1: Ultimate Warrior came from "Parts Uknown"
The Warrior burst onto the wrestling scene out of nowhere. He came from parts unknown. That was the same place that Demolition and Papa Shango came from, so they must've all went to high school together. It makes sense too, 'cause they all wore face paint. Must've been a thing all the locals did. If you look for Parts Unknown on any map of the world you're wasting your time. You won't see it. It's UNKNOWN! Like that missing element from the Kryptonite in Superman III. UN-FUCKING-KNOWN! You could pose the theory that Parts Unknown is a place that resides right in the middle of the border between any two countries. But in order to prove that you'd have to go digging. And we don't have that kind of time today.
Reason #2: Ultimate Warrior's Vast Vocabulary
I am of the opinion that The Ultimate Warrior is from the future. And in the future everyone talks like Warrior does. This new form of speech, probably called "Warriorese" or "Warriorish", can be used by all of us now! Just take four random words from a newspaper or magazine and combine them together to become one! As I look around my room is see 'parents', 'lager', 'masters', and 'city'. Combining them togehter would make "Parenlagastercity"!
PARENLAGASTERCITY!!!!!!!!!
And just like that I have become one with the Ultimate Warrior.
Reason #3: Love... Warrior Style
If you ever want to experience love, the way Warrior intended for us to understand it, we must love like a warrior. Remember boys and girls, Warrior comes from Parts Unknown (a place far off in the future... or under the Mexico/US Border) and he vanquishes all the evil wrestlers because he loves us. He gets his power from all the love of his little Warriors. Because his little Warriors spend lots of money on his action figures and t-shirts.
I'm getting married next year, and if necessary I will paint my face up like The Warrior for the ceremony. Because that's what real love is.
Check out Ultimate Warrior on the Brother Love show with the littlest of all Warriors, Amanda Ultimate Warrior:
Reason #4: Ultimate Warrior beat up Phil Collins
I've already posted enough videos here for you to see, but if you want to see The Ultimate Warrior beating up on Phil Collins, you can check it out here.
In a way, you might say I've lived my life thru The Warrior, because I've always hated Phil Collins and would like to slam him around. I don't have anything against him personally, it's just that one song of his about the air in the night. If I could hire Warrior for a day, I'd send him on a mission to destroy all copies of that Air In The Night song. And Warrior would do it... with love.
Reason #5: Ultimate Warrior looks like he stepped out of any heavy metal music video
Just look at that hair!
Warrior could've been in Poison, Megadeth, Nelson, Anthrax... you name it. He instead chose to save us from all the evil wrestlers of the WWF. Thank you Warrior for making the altruistic decision.
Warrior's real name is Jim Helwig... and that kinda gives us an insight to his hair. Hell-Wig. However, I still refuse to believe that Warrior is a mortal who walks among us pretending to be a God from the future.
Warrior was sent here to save us and all mankind.
Reason #6: Ultimate Warrior can beat anyone
Let's take a look at all the major players The Ultimate Warrior has beat:
Honky Tonk Man
Andre The Giant
Ravishing Rick Rude
Hulk Hogan
Macho Man (pre-rap career)
The video on the left is something I made just to show you the true awesome power of The Ultimate Warrior. Watch as he takes on opponents in battles you've never seen before.
Thanks for reading and see you all again soon!
