01. Hi, My Name Is Ryan
02. Friggidy Ding-Dong
03. Kinda Like To Order A Pizza
04. Girls Will Be Girls
05. Oh Shaquanda
06. Eat Shit N' Die
07. Rocky CDIX
08. A Song For My Cats
09. Bonzo's Funny Funeral
10. Super Happy Fun Song
11. She Thinks I'm Gay
12. I'm So Old
| Hi, My Name Is Ryan |
Hi, My Name Is Ryan
Got one birthday on August 13
Wickedest hair like you never did seen
Everything I own is covered in pink
And when I eat garlic I surely do stink
I cheer for the Bruins - I cheer for the Sox
Twice in my life I had the chicken pox
The weirdest thing that ever came about
Was when my penis turned inside out
Watch Full House almost every night
Don't drink any beer that claims to be light
Regular subscriber to the Hanson website
Like my coffee to be blacker than night
Can't seem to beat Scott in Monopoly
Ashamed to admit I like Superman III
Never put the seat down when I'm done going wee
Yeah not by the hair on my go-go-goatee
Hi, My Name Is Ryan
Can beat Super Mario in twenty minutes flat
Up until sixteen was pretty darn fat
My best friend in the world is my cat
Paint my toenails black, now what you think about that?
Hi, My Name Is Ryan
Got a swell Fan Club you should join today
Had a crush on Stephanie no DJ
Born and raised in Canada eh
My eyes go from blue to green to grey
Play road hockey 'cause I never learned to skate
Once was seven but then I turned eight
Don't know what it's like to menstruate
Met my wife when she was still jailbait
Got weird eyebrows that go up and down
Once tried to pick up a birthday clown
Spend my summers chillin' downtown
Go to BK and wear the crown
Study Mr. T's "Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool" You know that ain't me
Giving out buttons for the RFC
Put my face on your thong like 1-2-3
Dearly beloved
We are gathered here today
To eat Ryan's patented fried rice
Watched Rocky IV once three times in a row
Dressed up like a lady in a high school show
Can't walk ten feet without saying 'hello"
Jealous of Joey Lawrence's "Whoa"
Hi, My Name Is Ryan
Got a scar on my hand from a dogbite
Gonna look at girly mags until I lose my sight
If Rick Astley is wrong I don't wanna be right
And I'll sniff my Vick's all thru the night
Oh yeah man
Just cause a monkey's got a bloody nose
Doesn't mean the circus isn't in town
Hi, My name is...
| Friggidy Ding-Dong |
Yeah you know it's time for a solo dance party in your room
You can drink a big bottle of Fireball to kill the gloom
There's no room for the sofa when my feet start to sway
Tell me girl, tell me now what do you say?
Chorus:
Friggidy Ding-Dong
Jump back
Friggidy Ding-Dong
No punch backs
Friggidy Ding-Dong
Ka-rack
Friggidy Ding-Dong
Heart attack
Yeah you can see I'm the greatest dancer in the world
I can even make up words just to rhyme like "fedurled"
Sometimes honey, I'm forced to ride the short bus
The short bus
And when that happens you know it's absoludicrous
Chorus
I love my toaster and it loves me
It does four slices it wasn't free
Bagels, english muffins
White or wheat bread
But if it burns my toast again my toaster will be dead
Chorus
Feeling like I got ants in my pants
Kiss me I'm Irish
On channel nintey-nine
My killer beats putting you in a trance
Love me so freakish
Build me a shrine
Chorus
| Kinda Like To Order A Pizza |
I'd kinda like to order a pizza
Just a cheese pizza
I'd kinda like to order a pizza
Do you deliver
I'd kinda like to order a pizza
Just a cheese pizza
I'd kinda like to order a half pepperoni pizza
And your address is
And your telephone number is
Will that be cash or charge today
Oh, you have a coupon
I'd kinda like to order a pizza
I have ten dollars
I'd kinda like to order a pizza
For my dinner
I'd kinda like to order a pizza
Just a cheese pizza
| Girls Will Be Girls |
Girls will be girls
Unless they're aligators then I guess they're aligators
Man you know it's true
Boys will be boys
Unless they're colored pencils then I guess they're colored pencils
It's gotta be true
Dogs will be dogs
Unless they're not dogs then I guess they aren't dogs at all
Tell me it's true
Girls will be girls
Unless they're grown up then I guess they're grown up
Cause grown ups say it's true
Oo-ee-oo-ee-ooh
Girls will be girls
Oo-ee-oo-ee-ooh
Girls will be girls
Oo-ee-oo-ee-ooh
Unless they're not girls
Girls will be girls
Unless they're Tom Jones then I guess they're Tom Jones
And that would be cool
Dudes will be dudes
Unless they're cabbage heads then I guess they're cabbage heads
And that would be cool
Cats will be cats
Some of them are "cool cats"
Others are "warm cats"
Nothing weird here - cats are cool
Girls will be girls
Unless they are women
Then I guess they are women
And I still think it's pretty cool
Oo-ee-oo-ee-ooh
Girls will be girls
Oo-ee-oo-ee-ooh
Girls will be girls
Oo-ee-oo-ee-ooh
Unless they're not girls
Girls will be girls
Unless they are a soda then I guess they are a soda
Well what can you do?
Boys will be boys
Unless they're microwaves then I guess they're microwaves
And then they're ovens too
Girls will be girls
Unless they're jean jackets then I guess they're jean jackets
All covered in blue
Girls will be girls
Unless they're aligators
Then I guess they're aligators
Man you know it's true
| Oh Shaquanda |
Oh Shaquanda
What can I do
Oh Shaquanda
It's all about you
Cause once you go black
You never go back
Oh no, no, no it's true
Oh Shaquanda
Why can't you see
Oh Shaquanda
Girl you need me
And we could be just like an Oreo cookie
(Yeah why don't you let me pull you apart and lick out the cream)
Or an old fashioned black and white movie
They say our love ain't got the funk
And I'm just with you for your junk in the trunk
But Shaquanda
Shaquanda, yeah you know
We don't hear them in the bunk
Oh Shaquanda
Say that you'll stay
Oh Shaquanda
It's better this way
| Eat Shit N' Die |
When you don't like what we say
When you don't like what we do
Well this is how we play
So I got one thing to say to you:
Eat shit
Eat shit n' die
I went to see my baby on a Saturday night
There were no stars in the sky and I be feelin' allright
I got a condom in my left hand and some liquor in my right
But when I rang my baby's door something wasn't right
She wasn't wearing any clothes but she was wearing a smile
My baby found a new baby who had better style
So I flipped her the bird and walked away in pain
Cursing at that mother ______ with my favorite saying
Eat shit
Eat shit n' die
I called my baby on the phone and asked her why oh why
She said "it's not you it's me baby" but that was such a lie
She had used condoms in her left hand and weird cravings in her right
But when I hung up the phone I still wanted to fight
So I went and bought the eggs and milk to make a chocolate cake
Yeah some icing for my ex-baby and I started to bake
When it was done I hurled the cake at my ex-baby's head
Like one of Destro's missiles and you know what it said:
Eat shit
Eat shit n' die
Well two long years have gone by quick and you know what they say
There's lots of fishies swimming but I'm stuck on yesterday
Got a condom in my left hand for when things start going right
And my baby's got a new baby, she's two years old tonight
I tried to find a new baby but nothing seemed the same
And I'm always writing letters to the guy who stole my dame
Got a pencil in my right hand with their address in my eye
And all I ever write to them is...
Well, you know how it goes
| Rocky CDIX |
Let's bring it on back now to 1985
Whatever we're gonna hit
We're gonna destroy
Rocky IV
If he dies
He dies
Gonna climb to the top of the mountain now
Gonna scream Drago's name in the clouds now
Gonna fly? No
My hearts on fire now
If I can change and you can change
Everyone can change now
Fifteen rounds until the end
Nothing to prove to Adrian
Polly's getting buys with a robot
All cause we're living in America
Go go go the distance
No not snails, n-n-n-n-nails foo
Hit the one in the middle
Mother Russia say "I must break you"
Gonna climb to the top of the mountain now
Gonna scream Drago's name in the clouds now
Gonna fly? No
My hearts on fire now
If I can change and you can change
Everyone can change now
Rocky IV
Rocky IV
Rocky IV
Rocky IV
He fought the Russian
He fought the Russian in IV
Rocky IV
| A Song For My Cats |
Ahem
This is a song for my cats
Ozma and Roxy
Why
Why did you pee on the floor
Outside of the litter box
You should've gone pee
In the litter box
You should have gone pee
In the litter box
Not on the outside
Not on the outside
Not on the outside of the litter box
Why
Why did you lay on my black t-shirt
And get little white hairs all over it
Now I have to go and find the lint brush
So I can wear that black t-shirt out somewhere
Though it could be worse
You could've peed outside the litter box
Thank you
| Bonzo's Funny Funeral |
Bonzo had a funny funeral
Bonzo had a lot of clowns there
Bonzo's friends had lots of laughs
Bonzo still had red hair
Bonzo's makeup was perfect
Bonzo's nose still made a squeak
Bonzo died in a car crash
Only one clown got up to speak:
"My name is Chuckles
And Bonzo taught me everything I know
Balloon animals
Juggling
He lived by three words
Seltzer ain't just a drink
And now we gotta a lotta big shoes to fill
I'm gonna miss ya"
Bonzo was their hero
Bonzo always made them smile
And they wanted to show him
That he would leave in style
They covered him in cream pies
And Bonzo sat up with a wiggle
The looks on their faces
Bonzo had the last giggle
"I'm Bonzo the clown baby back from the dead
Gonna make you all laugh that's what I said
I'm the king of the circus call me gravy
Wanna get naked with the bearded lady
Deep downtown I'm a real sad clown
I'm the uptown James Brown
Shakedown hoe-down
But If you paint my picture I'll give you a frown"
| Super Happy Fun Song |
Pestilence fear of death
Guns and Satan your last breath
Drugs and rape the color the blue
Milli and Vanilli too
Bruise apples and hang nails
Eaten by the killer whales
Stub your toe in the dark
Finding needles in the park
Goblins poopie bloody sists
Butter knives slicing wrists
Pubic hair in my soup
Donny Osmond played on loop
Chorus:
This is the super happy fun song
You can learn the words and sing right along
The super happy fun song
Super happy fun song
Scars and may and road rage
Rotting corpses minimum wage
Heroin and chicken pox
Dogs with three legs on long walks
Hitler Vader Freddy Kruger
Waking up next to a cougar
Telemarketers on the phone
Snapping fingers at the bone
Land mines dentures diarhhea
Your best friend stole your idea
Orange drink bombs destruction
Vaccuum cleaners with no suction
Chorus
Horniest when on the rag
Male strippers at my stag
Carrot Top wins an emmy
Asking "does that have a hemi"
Girls necklace with no pearls
Last episode of Golden Girls
Underage ID inspection
Pretty girl with yeast infection
Sitting down when you pee
Chinese Democracy
Pennies earwax lyposuction
Traffic jams due to construction
| She Thinks I'm Gay |
I sorta got a problem you see
There's this girl
Oh man
She means the world to me
But
Chorus:
She thinks I'm gay
What's its gonna take to get my lips on yours
Is it my hair?
My red cold sores?
How can I ever get your lips on mine
Let's make a rainbow in the sunshine
What's it's gonna take to put your hand in my hand
I think I'm good looking cause I got a fake tan
How can I ever get you to love me
When you can't get your thoughts past what you see
She thinks I'm gay
I went shopping with her
Just wanted to spend some time together
There was this place
It had jumping music
Killer beats going on
I thought it was a music store
See, I collect vinyl records
Mostly classic stuff you know
Old heavy metal...
Anyway, I never even noticed the rainbow flag
Hanging in the window
Really
No really, I didn't
So I was like, "Let's go in here..."
And she said, "Uh... sure... I guess..."
We got inside, and sure enough
The place was really jumping
I could hear her giggling behind me though
As I turned to see what the commotion was
My eyes caught a glimpse of a poster...
It was of some small dude
Sucking on a big ol' cock
Chorus
I invited her over for dinner and a movie
Ryan's Patented Fried Rice
Followed by a viewing of "Save The Last Dance"
What a retarded movie that was
But I told her I really wanted to see it
I was trying to be the sensitive type
I thought that's what girls wanted
I even told her how much I liked her shoes
Then she said, "We should totally go dancing"
And I said, "uh... okay"
She thinks I'm gay
So we got to the club and had a couple drinks
Vodka coolers were only a dollar that night
Usually I just drink beer though
But the cab ride down wasn't cheap
And of course I offered to pay
Well, we broke out our sweet moves on the dance floor
The DJ was playing "Sexy MF"
I'm sure in my drunkeness it didn't help
When I said, "I've got a naked poster of Prince in my spare room"
She thinks I'm gay
All of a sudden
This other guy starts grinding with my would-be-girlfriend
I get ready to start a fight
When she whispers something in his ear
Next thing I know she's holding both our hands
And smiling like I've never seen her smile before
I had a bad feeling about what she whispered to him
Then he leaned in and kissed me
My stomach didn't like that
And neither did the twelve vodka coolers I drank
I puked all over the both of them
All over the shoes I commented on earlier
All over her cleavage
I even managed to get some in her hair
I was so embarassed
I never phoned her again
She'll never know the truth
And it doesn't matter
Because
Chorus
| I'm So Old |
Chorus:
I'm so old I'm practically retro
I was digging pink before it was metro
I'm so old I'm damn vintage
Turn me on like an 8-Bit cartridge
I'm so old
I'm so old
I'm sooooooooooo old
I used to love all those high school chicks
But now I can't stand them and their goddam cellphones
I get up early
Usually by six
I've got to escape my student loans
But I tell ya
I'll never ever eat maple walnut ice cream
No
Chorus
I still wear t-shirts from 1989
No I don't care if there's a little hole in it
Got a comfy chair
I sit and recline
Didn't have the cash
No
It went on credit
I look in the mirror and see Regis Philbin
The millionaire smile grinning back at me
When I run out of TP I just use a napkin
So long as it's 3-ply it's okay with me
But lemme tell ya
If you play on my front lawn
I'll go get my shotgun, yo
Chorus
Every night I watch Jeopardy
It starts at seven on my TV
Liked it better when it wasn't easy
No 'stache Alex makes me queasy...
Oh man
That makes me old
Doesn't it?
Pretty soon I'll get a senior's discount
15% off the lunch buffet
It's not a lot but still a pretty good amount
And it takes attention away from my toupée
So I tell ya
What's the use in being you
If you ain't never gonna get old?
Chorus:
I'm so old I'm practically retro (But I can still Hammer Dance)
I was digging pink before it was metro (c'mon I like Katy Perry)
I'm so old I'm damn vintage (and I think sushi is neat-o)
Turn me on like an 8-Bit cartridge (anyone wanna play rummoli?)
I'm so old (I brought everyone fun dip)
I'm so old (you know... fun dip?)
I'm sooooooooooo old