02. I Have A Penis
03. Gonna Eat A Baby
04. Squirrels!
05. You Luv Me
06. Coor's Light Dad
07. Pregnant Chicks Are Hot
08. Burgundy
09. Up The Pooper
10. Ice Cream Sandwich
11. In Your Breath
12. Leftovers
13. How Rude
14. Secret Bonus Track
| Spank The Monkey |
Chorus:
All alone with my broken phone
I say gotta spank the monkey
Gotta spank the monkey
Nobody's home, let the hands roam
Gotta spank the monkey
Gotta spank the monkey
Heaven, pretty heaven's just a double click away
Double bubble, double trouble, tell me what you say
Every night I make this girl sit on my interface
Read her live journal at some other place
Got a shakin' feelin' comin' down in my knees
Could it be an online transmitted disease?
Down my load at a high speed connection
But that's what I get for loving my reflection
Chorus
Devil, baby devil makes the sin come alive
Log on, log in to my big hard drive
She says I gotta pay but I'll find it for free
Listen to the moaning in mp3
Bored with the pics, yeah I need another trip
But the movie of Jenna's just a 30-second clip
Up pops a message from mom on msn
Oh fuck, I left the web cam on again
Chorus
They say I'd better stop...
They say I'd better stop...
They say I'd better stop or I'll go blind
My palms are growing hair
The church calls me a sinner
But I don't have to pay for a movie or dinner
Cyber, baby cyber don't you know where we are?
If you recall I picked you up at the space bar
My spyware picked up all your dirty browsing
And you find hermaphroditic midgets arousing
| I Have A Penis |
I have a penis and it's really cool
Cause having a penis is really quite cool
You have a vagina... it's just not the same
But having a vagina ain't all that lame
Chorus:
If I put my penis inside your vagina
We'll have a baby with a penis or a vagina
Or maybe it'll have both if we're in the Netherlands
Maybe it'll be like us and have four hands
I have a penis and it's covered up
Cause everyone's penises should be covered up
You have a vagina and that's a special thing
You should hide your vagina until you get a ring
I have a penis and it makes a noise
I've never heard of this from the other boys
You have a vagina and it has a knee
I saw one like that once on teevee
If I put my penis inside your vagina
We might have a baby with a penis or a vagina
But for sure we'll get AIDS and other STDs
Like the clap, if you please, it's kinda like fleas
Or a couple bowls full of melted chedder cheese
And we can say good-bye to all our wee-wees
I have a penis and I'm telling you it's cool
Cause having a penis is definitely cool
You have a vagina, it's full of bad stuff
Cause girls have cooties that make the bad stuff
I have a penis at least for today
Cause my penis sometimes wants to go away
You have a vagina that bleeds for a week
...Ewww... at least my dink don't bleed for a week
If I put my penis inside your vagina
We'll have a baby with a penis or a vagina
Then we'll sell it to a gypsy for a buck on eBay
Then we'll sleep so well at the end of the day
| Gonna Eat A Baby |
Measures of Dispersion
Gonna Eat A Baby
Gonna Take A Taxi
Never Do My taxes
Gonna Eat A Baby
Kill the Montreal Canadiens
Measures of Dispersion
Gonna Eat A Baby
Get a paper cut on my left lip
Get a paper cut on my right toe
I like my steak red and bloody
Measures of Dispersion
Gonna eat a baby
Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya
Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya
Na, na, nananananana
Gonna pass out soon
No air going to my brain
No air... going to my brain
Gonna... eat a...
| Squirrels! |
Man they're everywhere
They're even in my hair
And my nasty underwear
I really gotta get away
Squirrels squirrels
I see them in the park
Can't see them after dark
But I still know they're there
I tell you it ain't fair
Those squirrels are so annoying
Who do they think they're toying
I give it one more year
And they'll populate the atmosphere
they're up there in the trees
With all the friggin' bees
They have my nuts
Your nuts, his nuts
Her nuts ... her nuts what?
Good yea, good god, oh my god
They're fucking up my flowers
They live in Princess Towers
Have they got super-powers?
I just gotta run away
They're hoarding for the winter
They never get a splinter
They spend their lives in trees
We get no apologies
They run around like crazy
They wanna have my baby
But I don't want the rabies
So I will not make the love
The squirrels are so retarded
I feel like I'm bombarded
They sleep up in my vent
And they don't pay no rent
They have my nuts, your nuts, her nuts...
She has the loveliest nuts I ever did see
They look like hazelnut but the odor's hickory
She wants to go out for a black coffee
But why does she have bigger nuts than me?
They're fucking everywhere
They're messing up my hair
And I don't mean to stare
But I really got to get away
They're driving me to mental
Why don't they come in rental?
It's all so pornographic
Like Local Geographic
They're in the peanut butter
They s-s-s-s-stutter
They pity the foo'
They play the kazoo!
| You Luv Me |
There's a lot to be said about a woman in fishnets
When that's all she's wearing
But I don't mind it one little tiny bit
Cause those girls are daring and caring
There ain't much to say when you look up in my eyes
Your mouth is kinda full of ball bearings
But you got a rhythm going down
And I can't help my staring
I know, I know you luv me
Like the king of diamonds needs the ace
I know, I know you luv me girl
Cause you let me spray my cum on your face
Tell me not to say a thing to your friends
If they found out you'd simply die
And I promise not to put these pics on the internet
Sorry if it's stinging your eye
| Coor's Light Dad |
Beat my son when he gets home
Hit my wife with the telephone
Let my dog shit all over the floor
Pick and pick at my cold sore
The back o fmy neck has turned all red
Rape my daughter out in my tool shed
You may think it’s pretty bad
Sometimes I get really mad
You may think it’s pretty bad
But it’s okay, I’m a Coor’s Light Dad
Chorus:
I’m A Coor’s Light Dad
An’ I get-er-done
I got my car parts all over my lawn
I have a pick-up But it never runs
And you can call me “Silver Bullet” Baby, ‘til I’ve withdrawn
The girl next door’s got a riding mower
I’d play pokwer but I hardly know’er
Stay up late watching scrambled porn
Was drunk the day my son was born
The family tree is a circle, I said
Just found out last week I’m in-bred
You may think it’s pretty sad
That I use words like ‘Skynrd” and “rad”
You may think it’s pretty sad
But it’s okay, I’m a Coor’s Light Dad
Born n’ raised in the U.S. of A
Shoot all the (*****) and the (****) and the gay
Watch pro-wrestling every Monday night
Then I touch myself ‘til it feels right
Left my mama’s funeral to take leak
And I have a bath once every other week
You may think it’s pretty bad
Sometimes I get really mad
You may think it’s pretty bad
But it’s okay, I’m a Coor’s Light Dad
| Pregnant Chicks Are Hot |
Well you missed your period
I guess your kinda late
Tell ya that's what you get
For fucking on the first date
Looking At THe clothes hanger
Will it answer your prayers?
Now you just wanna
Throw yourself down the stairs
Chorus:
I'm here to tell you that you'll be a yummy mummy
Dude's will still be hitting on you at the bar
A few pilattes will take care of the tummy
Yeah, you can change a diaper in the back of my car
I'm here to tell you that you'll be a yummy mummy
It don't matter if you think so or not
Leave the kid with the sitter, we'll get chummy
Cause if you didn't know I think pregnant Chicks are hot.
Girl I'm gonna make you sweat
I meant make you glow
Find the flower in your garden
Then pick it real slow
I'll give you ali-mony mony
For what it's worth
I'd watch you breast feed in public
And I'd eat the afterbirth
Chorus
Yea you missed your period
And now you're overdue
You should've used a rubber
But now that's deja voodoo
When your nine month's are over
Call me up a again
You look so good behind a carriage
Until then, AMEN
| Burgundy |
It's more of a story than a song
| Up The Pooper |
*I want some fucking Belleville Whores*
She invites me over and slips out of her dress
Her apartment's neat n' tidy but her hair is a mess
I'm to understand I'm not the first guy tonite
That don't matter just as long as it's tight
She grabs me by the neck and says "do me real slow
She's like this when she listens to Barry Mannilow
And after the hershey highway, where to go, I don't know
She says:
Up the pooper
I smell my finger then quickly turn away
I bet it's like throwing a hot dog down a hallway
I notice the glimpse from her lovely brown eye
Then my mind drifts to Ronald and the Fry Guy
Eww, that's nasty, it's fifty times sick
Yeah whatever, I got shit on my dick
I hold up my sword with the power of Grayskull
Then she tells me what to do cause she's so anal
*That's the greatest rhyme ever*
Up the pooper
Other great words for the pooper include:
Bunghole
Poop-Chute
Anal Alley
And of course everyone's favorite down in New Orleans
Where the water's getting real high and they all like the water
But the water's brown because it's all contaminated
They like to refer to it as brown town
And when you go downtown, you go to browntown
Let's hear it all for browntown
Up the pooper
Take it away Skeletor
She likes it up the pooper
She thinks it's really super
And she ain't gonna walk right for a week
She likes it up the pooper
From good old mister Hooper
And she'll have to call someone to fix her leak
| Ice Cream Sandwich |
I want an ice cream sandwich
I want an ice cream sandwich
I want an ice cream sandwich
I want an ice cream sandwich
What could be better than an ice cream sandwich?
What could be better than an ice cream sandwich?
What could be better than an ice cream sandwich?
What could be better than an ice cream sandwich?
Nothing
I'd share my ice cream sandwich
I'd share my ice cream sandwich
If you'd be my best friend
So tell me do you want my ice cream sandwich
Or are you gonna be a jerk?
| In Your Breath |
I can see your smile in your breath
I can taste your lips in your breath
I can feel the warmth in your breath
I can touch your soul in your breath
I got this feeling yeah, don't you know
It's kinda mushy but I'm telling you so
I wanna kiss you all over the place
And turn you rosey red in the face
Let's spend the day together just laying in bed
Clothes are optional, there's nothing to be said
We'll run our fingers thru each other's hair
I hope you don't mind it if I stare
But you're so beautiful in the dark and light
I wanna hold you here thru all the nite
I just, just wanna tell you so
That I will never let you go
And if you want to hear that everyday
I won't, I won't hesitate to say
I love you, I love you
And I am always thinking of you
| Leftovers |
Leftovers....leftovers...leftovers
This is our song about racism
She has a mustache
Chester The Molestor
One hundred uses for cocaine
If Jesus had a phone, who would he call?
This is our song about racism
| How Rude |
Chorus:
Have mercy
Baby just cut it out
Wake up San Francisco with a scream and a shout
How rude
I need my own room
You got it dude
And some owce cream for de gloom
Come on now baby don't touch the hair
I was once in a successful advertising pair
I toured Japan, Capiche? And dated some strippers
My band left me now they're just "And The Rippers"
When the red light's on you gotta leave me alone
I say talk to me when I get the telephone
I call my niece "Munchkin" cause she's just too small
But why are there pink bunnies all over my wall?
Chorus
If there's one thing in this house that busts my bubble
It's when one of my three girls gets into trouble
I always clean up after them but they don't understand
I proposed to my babe Vicky down in Disneyland
I even sharked my best two buds in a game of pool
And cleaned up all of Comet's unsightly drool
I wore my shorts in the bath with Jesse's kids
And Sundays hosted America's Funniest Vids
Chorus
My buddy Mr. Woodchuck goes crazy for wood
And I did the Bullwinkle whenever I could
The Detroit Red Wings is my kind o' hockey
I teamed with my buddy Jesse as a radio jockey
Played Mr. Egghead on a kids' TV show
But you might recognize me as Ranger Joe
I grew up with Danny, back in the old days
Can't get a date - is it my Ninja Turtle PJs?
Chorus
I met my boyfriend Steve while I was away
Tried to convince my uncle that an F is an A
Cathy Santoni is so popular at school
I wore gobs of makeup to try and look cool
Locked out of a car playing ring around the Chevy
Starved myself to lose weight, I thought I was heavy
My dad took me driving and it almost drove him crazy
And I have the girls over for a night of Patrick Swayze
Chorus
My little sis play "shadow", sometimes I really hate her
Stealing is credit - - buy now and pay later
In class they call me "Step-on-me", well ha ha ha
I'm a big girl, you're a big girl, yadda yadda yadda ya
I tried out smoking cause I wanted to be cool
And had a crappy band with some girls from school
I drove the car into the kitchen and had quite the scare
Everywhere I go I'm with my good friend Mr. Bear
Chorus
They put me in a roasting pan and fanned my fanny
My mother's name was Pam, my daddy's is Danny
I was a honey bee just like my older sister
And brought the pool in the house, I'm in big trouble mister
Was the flower girl at Uncle Jesse's wedding
And far too many times I wet my bedding
I fell off my horse and lost my memory
Hold on, wait a sec, is there two of me?
Kimmy Kimmy Gibbler... why do your feet stink?
Chorus
| Secret Bonus Track |
Tell me why, why, why, why
Don't secret bonus tracks have song titles
Shed some light, light, light, light
On this bizarre craze
Feel like I'm running thru a maze
For days and days
Wanna eat another lays
And then I cry, cry, cry, cry
Cause I've angered Messier
He'll never go back to the Oilers now
So tell me why, why, why, why
Do girls get mad when we stare at their boobies
Shed some light, light, light, light
They hide them like a song without a name
Finding that track is kinda like a game
I still think Vedder is the one to blame
I'd much rather kick it with Corey Haim
Then I'd drive drive drive drive
To a secret Party
Full of secret girls
With secret boobies
And the only music they play
Is secret bonus tracks